Simply Op

When someone openly shares their struggle with loneliness, the following responses are not helpful. Though, well intended, they may do more harm than good.

– “Yeah, lots of people are lonely… it is kind of an epidemic.”
– “Everyone feels lonely sometimes.”
– “Have you tried church?”
– “Have you tried therapy?”
– “Have you tried dating apps?”
– “Have you tried run clubs or the gym?”
– “Have you tried classes or volunteering?”
– “You should get out more.”
– “If only you had _____, then you would be happy.”
– “You are just longing for a partner.”
– “You should get a pet.”
– “Loneliness is really bad for your health; it’s like smoking 15 cigarettes daily.”
– “Loneliness is a gift.”
– “You’re lucky. You have so much time to do whatever you want.”
– “Do you have social anxiety?”
– “I don’t know why you are lonely, you are so kind and everyone likes you.”

These are direct quotes that have been said to me over the years when I have opened up about my battle with loneliness.

– “Yeah, lots of people are lonely… it is kind of an epidemic.”
– “Everyone feels lonely sometimes.”
Believe it or not, knowing that other people are lonely does not necessarily help. It would be like telling someone who has just received a cancer diagnosis, “Don’t worry, lots of other people have cancer, too.” It is not comforting in the moment and it diminishes the significance of that individual’s personal experience. “Lots of people” is very broad and hard to conceptualize.

– “Have you tried church?”
– “Have you tried therapy?”
– “Have you tried dating apps?”
– “Have you tried run clubs or the gym?”
– “Have you tried classes or volunteering?”
Though, well meaning, these are solution focused questions with a problem to be fixed mentality. Church, therapy, and dating apps in and of themselves can add value to a person’s social life. The challenge with these questions is that they were likely posed by someone with little knowledge of the individual’s loneliness duration, prior/active attempts to overcome loneliness, and/or history of relationships. For me, I could answer “yes” to four of the posed questions. How did I feel after hearing a solution that I had tried? I felt like it was my fault, like I had failed, and like maybe I had not tried hard enough.

– “You should get out more.”
This one really gets me. Lonely people do not live in a bubble. More often than not, they are showing up to life. They are going to work, the coffee shop, the store, the library, the gym, or for a walk outside. If you know someone who never leaves their house, that would be a different scenario entirely. But, never assume! Some people are doing the work to show up and it might just not be working.

– “If only you had _____ (a class, a volunteer project, a gym you liked, a book club, a church group), then you would be fine.”
– “I think you are just longing for a partner.”
– “You should get a pet.”
Again, these statements are all well-meaning and they may even hold truth. All of these statements point to something that is not present or immediately tangible. There may be existing barriers that make attainment challenging or the act of searching for a need match may be overwhelming. For example, I went to get a pet and I was denied because of my work schedule. The owner claimed I was not fit to have a pet because I work long hours, which I understood.

– “Loneliness is really bad for your health; it’s like smoking 15 cigarettes daily.”
Knowing that loneliness can kill you is like telling someone with an eating disorder they will die if they do not eat. Generally, many individuals who are lonely know that the lack of meaningful connection is impacting their health. Statements such as this can make one feel guilty and helpless.

– “Loneliness is a gift.”
– “You’re lucky. You have so much time to do whatever you want.”
Reframing a negative to a positive is a common response to loneliness. Whether loneliness is a “gift” or not depends on the person’s perception of that gift. If you are conversing with someone who is thinking, “I hate this gift, I’m ready to return it… please take it back” – it may not be the time for convincing them otherwise.

– “Do you have social anxiety?”
– “I don’t know why you are lonely, you are so kind and everyone likes you.”
Fun fact, even the most likeable person on the planet is not immune to loneliness. Success, beauty, and intelligence do not protect against loneliness. Cue Justin Bieber –  (lyrics) “What if you had it all. But nobody to call? Maybe then, you’d know me. ‘Cause I’ve had everything. But no one’s listening. And that’s just fuckin’ lonely.”

I titled this “Please don’t say, do” because sometimes there is more power in saying less and more power in action. Be present, engage in active listening, extend invitation, and provide specific tangible action that could be carried out without much effort. One might try one of the following:
– (just listen)
– “I am here with you now.”
– “I know we don’t know each other very well, but here is my number in case you ever need someone to talk to.”
– “I am open to hearing more about your experience if you would like to share.”
– “I am sorry this has been so hard for you.”
– “Would you like to go on a walk with my dog and I?
– “I am going to church at 9:00am on Sunday. Would you like to go with me? We could sit together.”
– “I have a Bible study group that meets on Wednesday nights; I would love for you to come.”
– “I have experienced loneliness too. Do you mind if I tell my story?”
– “I found these ___ classes at the nearby recreation center. It costs _ for 5 classes and it is really fun. Here is the information if you would like to try it.”

For those of you that have received an unhelpful response to a confession of loneliness, please know that the individual you were speaking with likely had positive intent. Many people want to help, but they may have never experienced true loneliness before.